November 9th, 2025, midnight

Some recent thoughts. Feelings. Struggles.

The pain of my self:

Being so attached to thoughts,

forgetting who I really am — trying to be this great thing called love, a very real thing indeed. The complete me has endless love for my ego, but my ego doesn't fully love itself, this is ok, a process, a journey, the unification of a lifetime. Maya

And though I can spell these things out, time alone brings me to places, places where, I seem to self sabotage, eating bad food, consuming bad content, not being present in conversation with people, not doing my school obligations, worrying about things, fear, fear , fear, delusions and repeated ruminations of bygone things but those *things* which my ego mind considers as defining to my personhood. And I am able to step back and watch my thoughts a bit, and then I get sucked back in, and im just not present, in thoughts you aren’t present, unless you are engaged in thought, but for example, to be talking to Mac cow and emo filter dope people ive known for y ears yet met only like twice and theres just a part of me that holds back, feels off, bad, insecure? Its like “you are in this world but not of it” and im having a hard time figuring out who’s in the drivers seat, my mind goes “no one”, but I hear some people I really fuck with advocating for free will and it does feel like free will to a certain degree like buying t his bag from Tony for 200 so unnecessary and yet just so predictable. Last night im like pinching myself unable to get comfortable in my own skin, sufferfest, truly, bouncing from YouTube vid for 3 mins to insta for 2 mins to texts and nothing there and google maybe maybe look at the sky or try to stretch into myself but finding myself unable to stay in a given space, I listen to music, really try to lose myself in it, and I am, and then in a flash im lost in thought again, everything so loud, so loud in my head. “It’s so loud I cant hear myself think” , not exactly , more like , “Thoughts so loud I can’t hear the world, everything which lay beyond my ever so limited past and future oriented mind”, and I embrace and understand, im trying to continue the love, and I do love myself. Ive been having a hard time feeling like im addicted to spin after like a month of continual use and im finally out, I wanted to save for slc, but , shit happens, I have one quarter left I believe. I been taking quarters only for like 3 weeks, so detox should be chill, but I just hope I cans secure something for salt lake, so that 

Idk

And loren, its long distance, its hard, I seen her like 6 days ago, and it feels a century, so much has happened, (— this school is fantastic) loren. I feel so far away honestly. I convinced myself for some self destructive reason after my no sleep 4 am bus to port authrotuy uber to school off addys and halloweekend taking test which I somehow forgot to answer have the questions (captain fink blessed me), all that, and then im alone, dont know what to do, what to study, how, and back here, so stark, so free and in love I was not 12 hours ago. I look at pictures of her but I cant feel her soul, and thats a sad truth of pictures, only the great can capture some essence of the real present moment, but memory and bias shift and form and each present moment u think of a memory it is seen through the lens of your feeling and thoughts at that time, here a good memory becomes distasteful, icky, and a bad memory becomes powerful, and beautiful. I miss her. i told her I loved her. I have a hard time with the distance, texting and calling just feels so far away. I need to send her a letter but im a bit shit. I wont see her for like 18 days. Fuck. 3x what it’s been. It’s all good, im going to lock on school and pass with love, but god damnit, I miss her, I miss her, I miss her, I do. Talking about her to Mikey Switzerland and Lorin a bit tonight cuz I hadn’t seen them rly since me and loren just got together and trying to explain the whole thing from slc halloween to FaceTime to Cicero train in rain with flowers and collision of souls is just not that easy to capitulate**(express?) but loren is so sweet, and she struggles too, and I hate to think im accelerating her struggles, I want to inspire here, I want her to find god more, but she has been down, out of it, we’ve both been a bit dissasociated it feels, when apart. 

Like I have a hard time with the fact that the real total me is infinite and likely God itself in someway however the fuck it really is, and let it be how it is, God bless, and thank you God, truly, in the name of the father, the son, the Holy Spirit, amen. I love God, the real base, and I feel that in me. And I feel it makes sense this beautiful crazy insane manifestation that is humanity, and also, it makes no sense to my mind, im trapped in a body which is not my own, and my ego seeks to destroy my ego while simultaneously doing everything it can to keep the ego alive. I dont dislike my ego, but ive been battling, and losing, it feels, I mean im not thinking right now, just typing, where is it coming from, idk im present, thoughts are different, this is writing. Idk who I am, I am nun, nil, nada, and in this moment, here, everything,.!>!!!!@!

this school is fantastic in how much of a challenge it is and emo pushing myself has always proven to be good and necessary and True but boy is it something else, my main focus is to pass nav, if I dont it sets me back like a year and that sort of set back would make me question it all. It seems the only job path for me though… like it feels like tent in the woods or merchant marine. Tent in the woods sounds good, but bro, I cant live like that, I cant have a family like that, im going to pass, im going to make it through. 

Its the classic oh Pierre, oh Pierre, thing which does bother me a little, just in how its been a thing throughout my entire life, but I guess thats just more the reason and necessitation for me to accept and keep building. When its condescended like that as if im unable to follow orders ( I might be to a certain degree but really I am trying my best and want to please and blend in ) but I definitely have habits and tendencies both sub and conscious that make me fall into familiar patterns , I have a thing, a seeming love for going into things with zero preparation, just to feel that rush, that complete challenge. I mean , these tests, (not anymore im studying now) , with skiing, moving, traveling, drug use, artistic ideas, all of it, its great but I need to work on the balance. going for the gym for instance, I dont need to be going in and thinking about how my body looks, let me feel the weights, let me be present, and push hard, that is the real gym fun “throwing that shit around”, same with skiing, being viewed throws me off cause I feel im decently self aware, to a paranoid degree sometimes. I got over this hump of being timid through acceptance of being alone and different at chop point,  bullying from the boys at morse, and deciding to switch schools , live with my dad, adison, ski school, sms, all of it, we keep it pushing, follow gut.

And it feels ive been so far away from my prayer, my connection to the source. I remember during indoctrination stripped of autonomy I was free in my mind and I was praying and mantra and contemplating all day and being bathed in the golden bliss of gods love, and loving him so, through all of it, the absurd, the sharpness of big rain drops on the turf football field at night lights casting blinding rays and we march, we march on.  

Im having a hard time being an ally for myself. I feel at odds with all this dissention within me, almost stuck in the middle between my soul presence and complete mind spin. 

Been actively trying to refocus on love, for myself and for others, as I feel that is prerequisite for further growth, and the natural state once grown. 

My phone been sucking me in, funk clip blew yup like 50k views 400 shares, and I just cant help but keep checking it, see if It stopped or grew or if someone said something, its not even me, its amazing, but the incessant need to check click click click I will resolve.