Ghost Story
“I could tell that they couldn't tell me certain things because there were certain things which either were yes or no or they just couldn't say but It was crazy, so I asked them a bunch of things. I was like, "Do you believe in the perfection of nature?" They were like, "Yes." I was like, "Do you guys... Are you guys dead? Are you all human?" And they said, "Most of us, but not all of us." I figured it was not. I asked, I asked like, "Why me? Why is this happening now?" And they just knew I was like, just because I'm ready.”
a spider’s tale
click on the spider for the full story
F
NOVEMBER 2025
I n a world of yes and no it’s clear to me how to answer.
With you in sight and fear without spite, I ascend glory beyond.
The yellow tulip shines bright in season, the frog grows every year, tadpoles, anecdotal instances of total innocence in murky green, so clear to the experienced— but such experience can only be gained through first not knowing too, so the sun will shine and the birds will dine cresting horizons morning summer and moon.
If you return one day to find me burrowed in my body, pull me out, yank me please, for this life I have forgot.
,Hell.
Please?
Please help!
Please help me remember. Eden!
sweet sweet Eternity.
I pray to you eternity, for I know you must be close, who builds and armors unimaginable glories beyond.
And cities rise utopias and all and all come to an eventual fall, for time is death and death is permanence, safety from it all.
In praying to death one prays to eternity and the onion peels back more and more til non dual truth ——-we have restored.
ace to face, eyes locked, our sight conjoined is blinders made for those inherent pains. Our never-ending mirror reveals hope.
We dip our toes in waters beyond flowing with warmth.
Breath soft in shining golden eternity unchanged air watches over the little girls as they laugh. Siblings playing in dirt, Grace running around, their father’s lessons spoken love. Perfect play. One points out a pigeon with a giggle and a smile. You’re the only one in the room. Love yourself.
—
Hiding from others. Shame in freedom. Discipline without form. Action without result. Irrelevency invoked. Addiction assimilated, accepted. Sin unpunished, the price paid dearly. Free to choose, bound by choice. Awake to the world and lost in this endless dream. When will I wake? When will I take charge? Who's that which casts doubt upon the one who knows? Satan, satan, satan, stay away from me now. I am tired of your games, your ingenious games. I'll give you that, but nothing else, for I know. You have forgotten that through the light and grace of God things are made pure as in birth, and this the greatest joy; a true joy.
May you wash yourself of burdens imposed by illusory lack, and bathe in endless abundance. The love and care of The One! The heart is the place where he resides, the heart is the one you really are. Forgetting is the key to remembrance. In awe we realize the most beautiful. The sadness is intrinsic, necessary for it's glory. It is such, so let it be. Cast a stone onto your neighbor, and know who you are. For the light and the dark and the glory of God will shine in power and light despite respite and resistance forever.
Don't feel alone, I'm always here.
Reside in me, and have no fear.
Perfection
—
Thoughts. Feelings. Struggles. (nov6)
The pain of my self.
Being so attached to thoughts, forgetting who I really am, and trying to be this great big love. Having it truly for my ego, the part of me which doesn't fully love itself, my ego not the true me, the complete me, merely an appearance in time. And though I can spell these things out, form brings me to these states, states where I seem to sabotage someone named Pierre. This in many forms: consuming bad food and bad content, being lost in thought and selfish, neglecting my obligations, lost in anxiety— fear, fear, fear. Delusions, incessant ruminations, bygone things— things which my mind perceives as ultimate to my being.
I am able to step back and watch my thoughts a bit, but I get sucked back in, and I’m just not present. Such is life. In thoughts you aren’t present, unless you are engaged in thinking. For example, talking to Mac cow and emo filmer at Brewer’s gallery with my NZ Utah painting, all these great inspiring people I’ve known for years, and only met like twice, there remains a part of me that holds back, feels off, bad, unworthy, inhumane.
“I am are in this world but not of it.”
The difficulty discerning who’s in the drivers seat. My mind speaks “no one”, my heart speaks God. I hear some people I really fuck with who believe totally in their humanity and free will. All this does feel like free will, doing unnecessary things, like so consciously and so out of control, undefined but ultimately so predictable. Last night I’m pinching myself, unable to get comfortable in my own skin, a suffer-fest, truly. Bouncing from YouTube vid for 3 mins to insta for 2 mins to texts and complete discontent in self and world, nothing here nor there, looking at the sky trying to stretch into myself but finding myself unable to stay in a given space, I listen to music, really doing anything to forget myself, and I am, and then in a flash I’m back again in thought, in hell, everything so loud, so fucking loud. “It’s so loud I cant hear myself think” , not this , moreso these thoughts so loud I can’t hear the world, God, not even the life blood in my veins, im drained. Inaccessible is everything beyond frozen past and future, and I try embrace and understand! I’m trying to continue the love! I do love myself, I’ve just been having a hard time feeling like im addicted to this spiraling turbulence. I’m doing the right things, and I’ve beat a lot of my addictions, but they seem to never really leave me, and I have to accept that. I will.
Oh dear Loren, angel. Distance is hard, I miss Eden! I seen her just 6 days ago, and it feels a century; so much has happened. This school and this time is so fantastically painful and necessary. Waning distance. Justifying my self destruction. No sleep, four AM bus to port authority, nostalgia! and uber to school, endless uppies and halloweekend tests unprepared and crammed, which landing on campus 10 mins before class, just making the test, confident as hell, I somehow forgot to answer half the questions, (Captain fink blessed me with a retake), but all that!— and then I’m alone again, I dont know what to do, back here, so stark, sharp yet dull. My freedom and all-powerful Love a faint notion, despite it being less 12 hours since.
I look at pictures of her but I can’t reach her soul, this hurts, this hurts. The sad truth of memories, pictures. Only the great can capture the essence of a moment, memory and bias shifting. A memory fake, seen through eyes of feeling and thought, reality untrue, distasteful, icky; this illusion convincing itself truth! Powerful and beautiful, yet so awful! How can I be true when all is fake but this moment and this moment so hard to inhabit. I miss her so much. I told her I loved her, after asking my heart a thousand times if I should say it, looking into her deep deep eyes connected and complete, exploding in ever strong moment of absolute experience.
I have a hard time with the distance, texting and calling just feels so far away. I need to send her a letter but I’m a bit shit. I wont see her for like 18 days. Fuck. Three times more than we’ve been separated since connection, thanking God when I remember the entire year I went without her! Halloween to getting off that Cicero train her, scars and wounds totally washed away. It’s okay. I’m going to lock on school and pass, it’s my job, but god damnit, I miss her! I miss her! I miss her!... I really do.
Talking about her to Mikey Switzerland and Lorin at theirs in BK editing the movie with Sanch. I’d only seen them turnt up and brief since me and Loren have fallen in love. I try to explain the whole story from SLC halloween to cutting and facetime miracle the lover’s card and finally the Cicero train crashing into her in pouring rain colliding souls. Impossible to fully express, impossible to remember beyond my memory. But Loren! She is so sweet! and she struggles too. I hate to think im accelerating her struggles, though I know these essential in spiritual revolutiuon. I want to inspire here! I am! We lift eachother up like nothing else. We talk about nothing and everything at once. I want to help her see her true nature, I want her to help me see mine! God! She has been down, out of it, we’ve both been a bit disassociated; it’s hard to hold the conflicting truth of flesh and spirit.
I have a hard time with the fact that the real total me is infinite and likely God itself in SOME Way; and however the fuck it really is, let me let it be, help me align oh Lord! God bless, and thank you God, thank you. Truly. In the name of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, amen. I love God, I love God so much— how insane is it that we are here! It’s unbelievable! I feel It in me, I feel me as That! This beautiful and totally insane experience of life… it makes no sense to the rational. That which you cannot know nor believe but only Be. I’m in my body which is not my own, my ego seeking to destroy itself despite fighting against it’s dissilution more than anything. I love my ego, and understand, but I’ve been battling. Losing, it feels. I’m not thinking right now, just writing— where is all this coming from!? Idk, and that’s good, I’m present, content in creation, free from burdens, mind open and recieving, this is the magic of creation, writing: thought in form. It shows me who I am: nun, nil, nada, and in this moment, here, everything,.!>!!!!@!
This school is fantastic in how much of a challenge it is. Pushing myself has always proved destined necessity, Truth and trust, but boy is it something else. My main focus is to pass this navigation class. If I don’t it sets me back a year, that level of setback would make me question it all. (november 18 now editing this, found out yesterday I don’t need it, can retake in spring, huge weight lifted. It seems the only job path for me… it feels like asceticism in a tent in the woods or this merchant marine life. Tent in the woods sounds good, but bro, I cant live like that, I got to contribute, and I cant have a family like that. I’m going to pass, I’m going to make it through.
Its the classic ‘oh Pierre, oh Pierre’ thing which does bother me a little, just in how its been a thing throughout my life, but I guess that just emphasizes the necessitation for me to accept all and move forward in spite of all. The feeling, self created or not, that I’m seen as inept and unable hurts, outcasted. I have habits and tendencies both subconscious and not which lead me into familiar patterns. I have a love for lack of preparation, I like to feel that rush of immediate challenge. It brings me to the present. I mean, these tests, art, skiing, excercize, travel, med use, thoughts, ideas, all of it— its great but I need to focus on balance. Going to the gym for instance, I dont need to be going in and thinking about how my body looks, how I wish things were, no! Let me feel those weights! My effort! Let me be present, push hard; real fun just “throwing that shit around”. And it’s same with skiing, being viewed throws me off, sometimes self aware to a delusional paranoia. I largely got over my childhood tendency of timidity. Acceptance of being alone, being different. Always standing out, Chop point, Morse, and the destined switch of schools, living with my dad, meeting my first love Adison, somehow ending up at ski school, SMS, obsession with Zootspace, meeting my idols, and the complete realization of my youthful dreams. Looking back, having just premiered the four year movie, it’s all so perfect, everything consistently proving the perfection of heart. And so we keep it pushing, may I follow the light, may Thy Will be done.
I’ve felt far away from my connection to the Source. I remember during indoctrination, stripped of physical autonomy, I found the true freedom of mind. I was praying and reciting mantra, bathed in the golden bliss of God’;s love, and loving him with all my heart, my whole Self, and through it all observing the absurdity, the knife-edge sharpness of the breath of life and pulsing heart. Bright night lights rays blinding I am finally able to see and be, and we march, we march on.
Focus on this Love! That which is not temporary! This necessity! The upholding of my promise! Prerequisite are these for the truth and love, my natural state I can never lose, regardless of realization and forgetfulness.
May I remember.
I pray for the end of war. I pray for the Sudanese. I pray for all the suffering. Even with Faith I weep endlessly for my brother’s and sister’s throughout all space and time.
“Beauty will save the world.”
—
6ix or so, Monhegan Island hilltop Sun burning my face as I stare, I feel awe for the first time. This great cosmic wildness mixes with the sun bathing lifting my head, my spirit. An inkling that there is infinitely more than meets mine own eye,,, more than light and darkness, beyond life and death.
And yet… me and All Is, light and one, the Same.
not knowing suffering
not knowing grace
gracefully
By myself home from school second grade. Everything beyond reach but no matter nothing to reach for, nothing to reach me. Paralyzed absolutely unknowingly, just there; and guilt, a "truth" which seeps into me, and shame.
Then and there, there I stand, no one, and nothing to save me, to save me from those twisty ways entwined in every wonder the inconceivability of life.
Light streams through the blinds, I’m lying on the carpet aside Lay Lay, my sweet cat. The pain in her eyes, her knowing, she purrs and loves me so much; I love her more than anything! I cradle her like a baby in my arms. A flicker of the sun, a look from Lay Lay, lying on her belly.
Liberation is fear a simple nightmare. Time isn't, thus worries nullen. Our great flower, the sun, illuminating endlessly, blossoming all the world, The Star.
Oh so sweet is that feeling of first air of spring, a purity, a promise of growth, the promise of warm skin. Mom must be getting home sometime, I worry something has happened to her, I imagine life without her, I am so grateful for her. I close my eyes. I rest listening to that warm sweet hum through window breeze, an all-encompassing and surrendering warmth vibrates bringing me softly to sing the song beyond, hum cicada your perfect sound… each one, perfect. Effortless action, endless curiosity , light shines once more, sleep.
Slow moments of waking, a curiosity, a remembrance. Feelings, without sense my senses begin to feel, and slowly I am reminded of life, of time.
That which reposes in slumber.
Amazed, aghast, where did I go, what did I do?
Who am I? and deep down, knowing. -Not what happened, but that I am, here. & in Being here, there, this, the whole of it.
Being: that great letter unread and known, stamped in the perfect sublime. The Simple beyond.
And with a squeeze so tender my mom opens the door, dreams of Mother Mary remind me of her promise, her promise.
I bow my head down at her feet, crying, knowing, knowing, knowing, not knowing a thing.
WHAT WILL IT FEEL LIKE WHEN YOU LEAVE ME ON THIS EARTH?
If I knew, what would I do, pity, oh pity, a waste in view of the incomprehensible >infinity of You. of us?
What was can never not be, and what is is simply more, rain falling on the ocean, ascending, falling, and home.
each milli-illusosecond-slice of moment between moments it is as it Is. the only thing —> Be! Be! Be! Be! Be! Be, & and cause everything!
—
I rest without you, knowing words—, even in desperate grandiosity grasping for some truth,— are simply that: words. There is peace in the impossibility of expressing the absolute as well as the impossibility of expression without the absolute.
I pray one can know another, naively, when I forget. I look into you dying for you to notice me, when I forget.
I pain, I crush, I suffer, I rejoice, I am Alive! I lose sight of myself. This.. this.
One can only know themselves through the other.
One can only know through love.
Unconditional love annihilates all notions.
time, space, identity, will
Nill, in the knowledge of You.
And this knowledge lingers, a knowledge which you cannot "know". It is everything, the Whole, it Is.
Perfect wisdom forever novel creation endless drive and saying YES! to it all, and most importantly, self sacrifice.
In true love, one could bear Hell on Hell on Hell for Infinity in cruel cosmic humiliation, ridicule banishment and endless shame, in true love, these things are nothing. Love is all.
True knowledge cannot be known in concepts, only in a moment, in that moment, where all cosmos becomes a perfect child, playing, and playing forever.
Faith is the only Truth, and Faith requires nothing
—
PRIDE THE FALL SUMMER SHAME RUNNING AWAY ACCCEPTANCE WORKING BEING MOVING URGING THINKING TRYING SURVIVING THE SUMMER ACADIA AND LILY AND MT WASHINGTON 5KM JAPANESE TRIAD FIENDS LIFE TO LIFE EXPLOSION BIRTH CLEANED RE-DONE BOOTCAMP SCHOOL SCHOOL SCHOOL SCHOOL LOREN LOREN PAIN LOREN PAIN LOREN OMG ***** LOREN PAIN OMG FRIENDS SCHOOL ***** IM DONE THE DEVIL IM DONE WITH THE DEVIL IM THE EMPRESS FERTILIZING BABY MAGICICIAN GROWN BY FOOL.
I WAS A FOOL.
I AM, WILL, AND ARE BECOME BECOMING.
MAGICIAN 2 OF SWORDS PROTECT ME NIGHT OUT FINALLY!
AND HOW OH HOW DO I GET OUT?
AEON
UNKNOWN.
OCTOBER
Ocean glory
Moons mean nothing without me nor you
but you, you!-
pouring my teapot, stomping the ground like a wild toddler.
You won’t stop.
playing playing playing playing
protection
I throw my arm out to hold you back and you duck me, spin around, squealing,
laughter
you’re in pink,
you’re my daughter,
laughter
you’re the most precious thing in this world,
I love you.
—
Bullet Points of Life - 342am wed oct 15 - roomie jus did ket therapu for the first time - fire drill woke us from sweet slumber now ben unable to return we surrender to the coming day (NO SLEEP)
Tarot(been getting mad into tarot card reading hmu if u wanna reading)
Tarot banana dolphin massacre of the forgotten year waking up and realizing that it was all a dream,and happily falling asleep once again, into the dream once more, waterfalls crushing,, your physical earthen body lain out wit another soul, your soulmate, at least you feel she might be, lying right on top of you. All points of contact
And wat if we didnt do everything we are told to do, and what if we didd? Saying yes to life but no to everyone except your own intuition. Bass victim quitting music a month ago and just dropping such a fire album no publicity stunt just real complex human emotions and relationships. Mans stays silent
— I havnt been asking my heart what i should do before every decision ive been just going off of instinct no thought whatever seems right for the most part and/but i wonder/worry if this is the path of the devil/sin, the non conscious actions, the choice to ignore those things which are difficult to face, but necessary, and not merely necessary for God's love or karmic goodness or inner peace, but COMPLETELY NECESSARY THAT THY WILL BE DONE & KINGDOM COME.
I feel as though there is this balance, and thats what ive been trying to follow. When i go deep into ram and orthodoxy i lose myself somewhat and im not sure how genuine my relationship with this reality is, this reality i believe being a perfect manifestation living breathing art of God experienced by through and within and without… my awareness stays silent, my awareness jesus on the cross, my awareness the forgiver of every sin. And although I think a lot, and get caught up, and have an ego and more than just a simple one to navigate, i do desireto be looked at a certain way, but that certain way only reflects what i feel in that momoent,, so to expect anything from anyone in the first place is ridiculous and to think that I am floating is something that i can happily leave behind. Ive learned that humility is a great virtue, and can excuse you, aid you, guide you through most of life's bumps.
Stone cold. Yes. maybe a taper. off atleast a month, hey. Enjoy this feeling, and feel the shittiness of it too, and know that things will be different than they have ever been before in my entire life even after one little month of no chemicals, not even shampoo or conditioner! Im not worried about it in regards to my creative ability, as now i see beyond this delusion my ego played so as to reinforce desire and put off being true to my Self.
To desire is to suffer, i dont want to suffer bro. With loren life is actually good, which is something else, because this summer and indoc and honestly a lot of different times throughout my life (maybe most)(i imagine its the same for everyone) have felt tilted moreso in the direction of pain and sadness, suffering, hell, chaos, — and yet these states pass, always, and arent ultimate, as true as life being heaven on earth, we are alive for Christ’s sake! we Exist! I am! – don't forget it! -1+1=0
0 is the void
The void
and
The void
And from "the void", , how?
I believe our "reality" just as real as God dimensions etc to be totally real in an iinfinite way, Oneness, non duality is Maya, the great illusion, the putting on of a dance. forgetting to remember. its all way beyond our comprehension and i dont know why ive been blessed and kissed on the forehead by God and led to him so strongly, truly saving grace, Faith.
Without faith I am nothing.
And what are other people doing to not have it? Is karma surely much deeper than being "good or bad" , I mean, just this morning I dreamt of falling out of a tree and that if I accepted the death (didnt know i was dreaming obvi) then a Pierre (Me?) in another timeline/galaxy-whatever, would survive, and go on to create more than what pierre(in our world) had to offer. And i wonder if these essences/multi realities/ infinite room for infinitely subtle magic of being are constantly flowing through us, behind every tiniest fraction of a millisecond, so that ultimately, even in fear and pain and abandonement from God, we can rationally realize that this is a self prescribed challenge, us All Being God.
Challenge brings growth, change, positive change when used correctly, and positive change seems to be the only thing worth anything in this world! No matter how small, do the dishes for your mom! Even if she fights with you!
Me this wknd(very tired, loren, failed but successful all nighter, dinner that evening, our final day together, all of us, "!Momma u need any help w the dishes or anything?" "No No No nothing" me, "THANK GOD" and we laugh, say love yous, and i go up and snuggle w loren
Good talks with ******** tonight about all sorts. His first time thera k, whichwhich is p crazy considering the amnt of substances hes done and what hes into but he liked it and took scuch a fat finale he was in it for like an hour and a half pretty fucking bast mode ive just been tinkering doing nothing but also doing the small things on my computer, wanting to write. To write about loren — how !?!?!?! 3 am ! 4 am !
Loren – shes so interesting, shes so special, she said im the best human shes ever met, i mean , its crazy to hear something like that and —-- our love slow —-- and yet fast, i mean cmon. How could it ever not be the way it is, and who couldve seen it coming. Its trust, the intuition of SUNY, the sparkle in her eye the night i met her last halloween, trusting myself cutting my chest feeling that pain, never had done that, and then facetiming her , that night! of all people, for hours, the lovers tarot, its destined, its history.
that place of authenticity that undoubtability, trust, Faith, Strength against any possibility of strife, ive yet to find the exact word. No expectations, no idea, but just, wow, this his hapening and thats honestly what i live for
Wha does shse mean to me man, idk, , but I do.
all encompassing desire to take care of her.
Sweet care.
She sees the little booy ive always been and i see the little girl she has, and we balance these, i think we might be together a long time, its really crazy, to have a real, magical, ever suprising, ever exciting partner, quite quite good, and her, her! I knew it! I knew it! But its not about me// she is an angel, and she helps me understand the complexity and variety of life experience (in general idek) amongst the world and how ppls brain works, its not like i built my mind, iive been developing what was naturally there. And this idea, this faith in god, which i have , in God, this Faith, providing me eternal life, and playing the game differently in light of that and other facts, and spreading it as good i can. Its the only way i found –i began reading a lot all different authors most non fiction freshman yr of college bc i wanted to see what is the best life?:
the most fulfilling
loving whatever,
and i just didnt find much..
Achievers are dissapointed and artists are outcasts addicts ostracized our civilizxation specificially culture is not built to suuport it whatsoever, but if i can give a glimmer of the Light that I see, then I am doing more than I could ever conceive possible.
he’s aa bit schizpphrenic-esque - worth exploring, talking to this group in his head hes named, and my painting the boo ghost, he sees it as he walks out his bedroom going down the stairs, and he says i talk to him often through it, sometimes scolding sometimes this sometimes that, but hes producing great art, GREAT art…, and if that stops i be worry but for now it is insanity it is chaos and i dont have any real fear of him commmiting suicide or nothing like dat. I really wish we all (the friends) lived in the same place, its like we chose life on difficulty and easy mode at the same time. Not easy, but, High! Idk that might be prejudiced amongst a billion others but i can assure u i come from a place of an extreme desire to continue to learn and understand throughout my whole life so please please email me if any of this touches u or anything.——
Everything do be falls into it places and despair is everywhere.
Grotesque images in my brain
in our real world
remind me of my insane priviledge which reminds me of my disgusting envy for those attributes i lack and see as higher than myself, physically envious, money, status, confidence, energy, this thought-storm immediately removing the greatfullness from my frontal, but then bringing m back to check, realziing how empty it all is, and all thats left is unconditional love. And thats ok, and im aware. comparison is the thief of joy, but love is love, and love is all, love is law, and Thy will be done.
thank you. wishing all of you well. i love october<3
SEPTEMBER 2025
Hey. been a lot of transition past few months. we all seem to be in constant movement,, spiraling surely but I feel upwards,, largely in a blind way: which is liberating as it is restrictive
i spent the summer splitting firewood in Maine which was quite eye opening. i lived with my parents for first time since 16 which was eye opening. i painted a lot and that was where i found my liberation
a month ago today I moved to new york for grad school at suny maritime college jsut ouside the Bronx. its basically this program that gets me a officer’s position on cargo ships/ big sea vessels in 2.5 years instead of spending 10 years working my way up in the industry . im tryna accelerate my way to financial freedom and personal independence so that i can help facilitate those around me friends and strangers and build my life. i didnt want to try to make videos for companies or work anywhere to “make it as an artist”, for a wide variety of reasons. largely in rejection to capitalisms molding grip, (capitalism as global ideology for the religion of materialism). im tryna mold it, and mold myself, through the light which is already in me, and all of u, of course. i also think the job is cool. cargo ships. ocean, reset. not working for one company, travelling world. working in big sprints. it makes sense for me. All throughout college I enjoyed my entire week and then did everything in one awemazing gruelling work day, seems to work for me.
I know I have something great to offer, and my life goal right now is to create a piece of art, or body of work, video, book, (doesnt matter) which has the largest possible positive effect on a population. I think thtat this will come through me first figuring out how to live correctly, though this is definetely a lifelong striving, and then capturing it, or aiming it towards one specific groups of people. I think about my life, and those around me, and impactful things, and the actual billions of us humans, and our real lack of rhyme or reason, and the powers that be (within and without) which live to keep us in disarray, and the joy and freedom possible, possible if we can collectively follow truth and Love. I think that though things seem to get worse and worse, this is the product of rapid change, ultimately necessary change. I am not accelerationist but theres no other option than to hold on for daer fuckin life and know Your true self, your real eternal loving self, cause thats all u can have.
Going deeper into my own spirituality and a personal relationship with the true Unspeakable and Unknowable God through meditation and contemplation but primarily action and way of Being is what I have been most interested in the past year. I have taken an obsessivity to it, which is good, and though it has been the most difficult year, as I imagine it has been for everyone, it has also been the most rewarding. I think that the tendency to focus on any 1 desire object and keeping that in mind even times of wondering is very important as it gets you there fastest, and onto the next great thing. through it I have furthered my understanding of being alive which makes living possible for me. it is necessary, and the greatest opportunity ever. i try to see constantly through the perspective that every misstep is just the necessary foundation of a future success. sometimes I can only know this conceptually, and live in pain, unable to see the truth, though i know it true regardless. time heals all wounds. nature is perfect and whole in truth.
i am so honored to have you as one of my email peoples this website has been great to create and im excited to continue with it. ive tried to upload most of my completed projects and I think it is a great archive esp for my paintings and photos!
thank u hope u have a great rest of your weekend evening and sunday. great sonic youth song FYI
lets get after it!
#freezoote9/132
MEMORIES FROM LIFE
— ✷ —
I. I WILL DIE
20.
I was blackout drunk. I lost my friends when the football game ended, except ****** who I was with thank God. It was the only football game I've ever been to. We were wandering the streets looking for our friends. Asking people for help, for phone chargers. I asked the wrong people for a charger, they were in their car, and said they would come back and beat the shit out of us. I remember asking them so straight up “Why would you beat us up?” So confused. I asked a police officer to drive us home telling him we were threatened, he said no. They came back popped all four doors and jumped me. ***** was on the other side of the street, but ran over and did a jumping double footed kick into the back of one of the aggressors, but it was not enough.
I was hardly conscious the whole night, but my awareness came to me right before it was taken away. All five shadows loomed above silhouetted shadows foregrounding navy blue dusk sky stomping me into the concrete, my body in a ball. It was a only a second of consciousness, but a knowledge of evil. Life drained out of me, red. I knew I would die. I thought about mom, and how sad she would be. Mahalia held my hand.
Me and ***** were found by a friend of a friend, hours later, our pants at our ankles our clothes torn, phone and money still in our pockets. We sat in shock, far too drunk and soon for pain to set, aghast in the green grass.
She asked if we were okay. Yes. Good, goodbye. A different lady, a schoolteacher, gave us a ride to the party our friends were now at.
We stayed up drinking. What else could we do?
— ✷ —
II. CHILDHOOD SNOWSTORM
Young.
One of my first memories.
I grew up in a small town built along a river, I lived in a nice little neighborhood. All the houses were built in the late 1800s, and the Victorian style most prevalent. Working class people living in elaborate houses believing in hard work, God, and their children. Singing Christmas carols.
Isabel's house. Just a few streets away. My dad hung out with her dad while I hung out with her. A playdate! Whether it was building blocks, or playing Wii, Isabel and I got along well. Isabel was shy, and had long blonde white hair and bright blue eyes. She was one of my only friends. It began snowing that night, gently at first, but it soon became a blizzard. Caught in our fun, not worried about the weather, warm and cozy inside, snow piled and piled.
My dad said it was time to go home. We said goodbye, and stepped out of that warm golden house into a white wash world, the black sky only a rumor behind boundless snow. Down, up, sideways, everything was blizzarding, there was only snow. It was intense. I was scared. We trudged through feet of powder, the street buried below. It was up to my thighs. Blinded by the snow in my eyes, holding my dad's hand as he pulled me home and pleading, "Dada, I don't think we can do it! I don't think we can make it! Where is home? Will we make it home Dada?" My dad knew we were fine, but understood my serious concern, and played into it affectionately, "Oh buddy, I don't know, but I think we can do it, stay strong!" The cold and the blizzard, howling wind and snow beat me, but I resisted, I resisted death and bursted with life, I knew I had to live, for my Mom and Dad, but also myself. The weather and the world ceased to be separate from myself. This is the moment I came alive. I was on the edge of awareness, the frontier of feeling the world to its max. I fought for a life which I didn't know I had before.
— ✷ —
III. GOD
Maturing. 19.
Faith without doctrine.
I hold my hands up to my God, the World, with head down, I focus on the eternity.
I recite the prayer I recited in my youth to the God that was given to me under Christian terms,
it works all the same. I would say it every night, and it used to be longer, I'm forgetting now…
'Dear Lord, thank you for this day, and thank you for my mom and dad who love eachother. I love them more than anything and please make sure nothing bad ever happens to them. They are good people and don't deserve anything but love and eachother for life. Thank you for my life and my friends too and please keep all of them safe and happy and all the people too. Please no bad dreams or nightmares, fires, or food choking for anyone in the world and thank you, Amen.'
I fell out of Christianity. I struggled and I pained to find some home. I found myself and the Light in the eye of my mother, -brother, plant and piece of trash, dirt and airplane, concept and worm.. All in the same Light as my God and me. I've been praying to the same feeling all along despite my different understanding.
— ✷ —
IV. NINTH GRADE GRIEF
14.
I was new to the school, and a group of kids banded together under the name 'The Boys' wanted to recruit me to their gang. I had gone to Christian school from kindergarten through 8th grade, with only one other boy in my class. They had all been in the same public schools since kindergarten. All of them had gone through separate initiations, breaking in cars, stealing alcohol, whatever… I was so innocent I didn't have to do much and was openly unwilling to do anything bad to join. They didn't love that they were going to have to accept me for me. Sitting down waiting for history class to start, Isaiah says to me, "You wanna be a part of The Boys? Start by getting rid of this gay shit." He broke my bracelet off my wrist. Immediately I slapped him hard. He didn't say anything or move at all, and neither did I. He was a tough angry kid and I had hit him. I wouldn't be joining the group, and fuck the group. After that they all made it their duty to make my life shit, and they did good for a while. Every time I saw them, they would chirp me, try to fight me, scare me, and the anxiety was overwhelming. Fear burned so hot inside my stomach it was unbearable, I was so anxious at the idea of humans so mean. I had never been exposed to bad people before. Bad people and bullying were something that happened somewhere else, not in my own world, they became tangible. It was like a life's worth of anxiety I had never felt all came crashing down on me in the span of this one year. I would skip the last period of class to avoid them on my walk home from school. I listened to angry music thinking of them, internally screaming endless massive fuck yous. I would get home and feel so relieved, only to succumb to numbness until slowly slipping more and more into anxiety as the next day of the same fear approached.
— ✷ —
V. UTAH DESERT
19.
The moonlight is strong and I see all of my friends' movements intricate in dancing silhouettes. We watched the stars and clouds, the western wind flowing across the dunes. The powerful, endless dunes. Our feet carry us weightless over hills of sand, and down, up again, and down and this time, in our far away view, we can see the other people, hear the music.
T has found a beetle, and is showing it to everyone, proud and loving, he is the father of this most unwanted creature, it makes me smile to know that that is who he is, that is T Stone. Father of the neglected black beetle, too large and intimidating to appreciate in close tender care, yet too small to be noticed and loved from a distance. T spreads the beauty of the beetle. Everyone is fully high now, I can tell, and I'm glad, I am too. Moving in the sand from one to another dancing and swaying in midnight. Me and a few sit in the sand to watch the dancers do their ritual, and I'm passed a huge shotgun shaped bottle of whiskey. I never usually take shots, but it's incredible figure, weight, and power insist closer examination, and I swing it back, and pass it to my brothers in the dune, and they swig, and pass it back, and I swig, and pass it back, and they swig…. and the night fades, slips into null.
They tell me what I did in the shadows. I guess they saw me in the distance… trying to climb up the sheer orange face of one of the Mars-like rocks which explode from the dune below.. Barefoot and alone, and about 15 feet high in the air. They approached and shouted to me, and I slid, slipping and scraping, falling to sand and rocks below. Face and feet bled, but I was perfectly fine.
The next day we hiked. We found a nice spot and sat, everyone was mellow, I was mellow too, but my social battery needed a break, so I creeped off to climb some rocks, to prove the singularity of last night's folly, and so I disappeared on my own. Climbing safely I climb up higher as close as I can to the beginning of the unclimbable blank bulbous city size rocks. I found a nice perch, and I rested. Sun over my eyes, some sadness crept in, a bit sad indeed, but excited for the evening, and happy about how everything has worked itself out so well so far, from the police run in, to the car crashing, to the coke, to my cognitive death, the fall, and my baptism in the creek. I lay trying to find peace but I'm not finding anything in myself.
I return down to my friends and find them pleasantly the same. S** and D** and K**** and N*** all together, huddled, they are kind of cuddled into one another but in some restful young love. It's almost like they are my parents, clearly enough they are my older siblings, older friends, god, the truth of it goes so beyond that. These two beautiful boys I love have taken into loving these beautiful girls, and these girls beautiful in their own, now exposed to me and my life, find me beautiful alike and are given to caring for me! I lie and listen to their talk, contributing when I feel, and rest my body on the hot rock. I started to feel at peace in their restful loving company. I notice a caterpillar running near, and scoop it close to my eye, and it might be the most beautiful creature I've ever seen, and our similarity and brotherhood is so beyond obvious I can't help but smile in the little guy's face and talk to him. I felt joy in him, pure joy, my smile so wide he was all encompassing. Mind made blank, absorbed in love through the touch of the caterpillar. I feel my friends looking at me, and look up at them, and smile truly to share this, I know they feel it, and S** says I have such a beautiful smile! Thank you!! I practically shout at her, It's the best, easiest, most genuine compliment I've ever been so purely present for. "Thank you, seriously." I look back at my caterpillar, "I love this guy."
— ✷ —
VI. DREAMS OF DEATH
All throughout my youth.
I wished for death to come silently and take me away.
I had no passions, I had nothing to look forward to. Life had only gotten harder as I got older, and I expected it to continue that way. Suicide was never an option because of how much my parents loved me, and of my being an only child, but the dreams of being accidentally killed flooded the days.
Even in my early childhood, a ghost of my non belonging followed me everywhere. Good days and bad, the feeling was there. It was only when I could forget myself, and submit to life, that this shadow would disappear. Moments like the snowstorm, and moments of complete connection.
— ✷ —
VII. HOPE FOR LIFE
20.
On my balcony lying in the sun I felt.
That feeling in your belly, that surging bubble of warm and confident inspiration that fills you with the glow of unquestionable destiny. That which patches immortal confidence over all anxieties, laying into you the deep truth that one is able to achieve perfection through expression, and that every creation made in truth provides this feeling, and this chain forever pushes everyone higher and higher towards the world of God.
— ✷ —
VIII. GIRL
18.
I love her I love her, we look into eachothers eyes under cover pulled tight and I can see her so clearly now! Oh my god oh my god she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen I love her I must I must what is this? How did I think she was a fool to tell me she loved me two weeks ago?
I try to remember her face from just last night and it seems a million miles away without any notion of understanding, where has she gone? Did I lose my mind? Was I really depressed and needing her after all? I crave what I felt with her last night, I haven't felt those feelings in so long. Oh my god I’m just grabbing her face and naked perfect body and she grabs me and I look into her eyes, her bright black spider eyes and I see endless beauty and she touches my hand and hip and tells me I have perfect bones. Where has it gone now when I look at photos of her? Love is a mirror into the soul and we were seeing truly! Has she felt this way about me all along? No wonder she acts in such a way. How am I supposed to go back east for three weeks when I’m wondering if I’ve found love or fallen into a depressive delusion of something not what it is? I need to see her tomorrow. Soup and see her at Little Saigon perhaps. I think either way I’ll be able to tell, but I did love seeing her in the daylight, so rare... I want to go to Texas with her or run away somewhere. See if I like her in the wild of the world, I lost myself in her last night. Who's to say I’m not boundless? She was my mother Mary, eyes of soulmate of my slumber dreams, she was the color of dirt, earth, soil running through my fingertips. I grabbed her tight to my chest and body and she sank into me without thought of any storm. I felt this. I know she was relieved and so was I! Yes, this is a girl, this is a sweet angel girl and I’m a boy I know. Ugh Eve, to maintain this feeling with someone, truly, is it possible?.. I squeezed her! I think to myself as hard as I can about the compassion I have for this beautiful life in my arms! I don’t know if I’ll still love you tomorrow but I love you now and please don’t give up angel you are good! You are good! Don’t fear Eve, you never should! Please be good! Please be happy! Please don’t feel anxious about abuse and hate of the past! I am trying to force my thoughts into her body like this and it feels the same as when I prayed as a child. To Eve I pray! She as God as am I! I hope she felt it. I hope she did. I wonder if I’ll feel it with her again, this feeling of love. I don’t want to forget about your soul, you see me! You release me! Who am I! A child! Who are you? A child! Who are we? Children of this loving Universe please don’t let your abusive father ruin your life sweet Eve! I’m scared to not see it all again. It will be fine regardless and I'm thankful I've seen this much, to at least know it's possible. To have had is better than to have never… We are so cozy tonight. It’s snowing outside my big bedroom balcony's window- it’s really coming down. I can’t see across the street and usually I can see a hundred miles to the mountains and to the Great Salt Lake. The sun is setting behind the storm over the mountains. It seems a million miles behind the weather's impenetrable wall. So lucky to have you here, we open the door to let it all in. We feel it all. Listening to classical music we look outside together. Each of us remains inside each other's mind without speech. I listen to her sweet breath under the gravity of it all.
— ✷ —
IX. DOUBT
17,18,19,2-
Why is it that so many of my heroes kill themselves? It seems all great writers, artists, musicians, and revolutionaries have been killed by their own doing. If not directly with a gun then alcohol, drugs or extreme living. What kind of an example is this? I want to be a liver, an artist, someone who sees the most of what life has to offer. And how can I desire this when it seems everyone in the past who sought this very same destiny only saw pain at the end? Sure there are great men and women through history who have lived and died in honest effort, but why does it seem rare? An impossible thing? The artist often goes through life without committing to community or another person, or a religion, and rather chases life itself for the sake of living. It seems to contribute to a necessary ending. How can I be better than those who have come before me? I don't want to die, I want to live, and I want to see the world grow and do my small part for as long as possible. And just years ago I felt I wanted to die, be gone, and now I cry for life! I cry for a different outcome than it seems those thinkers before me received. And I don't think I'm great or special, but I'm honest! And I don't think just about anybody is really "great" or "special". Honesty is the only thing that matters to me. It hurts, but if it is spread, we will find answers. People have this misconception that you are not as good as the people who inspire you, and this is just false, you have to find your outlet. An outlet is a source for pain to become love. Self expression is the answer in itself, the act of doing. And sometimes, still, even with this knowledge, it all is so heavily pointless. I can't even bring myself to smile at a loving friend the way I should. I brood over coffee and each movement becomes a painful step in the march of time! I believe in the eternal, and yet none of my beliefs can hold me above sorrows. The blues are always the same. How can I truly know another human? Only through love, only through love..
— ✷ —
X. FIRST BIRTHDAY
My first memory, Mahalia bringing me a giant green and white birthday cake, my first birthday. She looks 16 in my mind but I now realize that that is my image because that was the age where my parents got their first photo of her, at least the first one they framed and showed to me. So in my memory she is 16, but really she was only 6 or 7. From most of my lifelong feelings towards beauty and women and life she is the source. I tear up at the thought of this perfect girl bringing me, the baby boy- unconscious experiencer of the world -a gift, a cake. She brings me this beautiful cake in the sunlit dining room of my childhood home with pure love in her eyes, all for me.. My parents are not in the memory, just her. I knew she was not my mother, but family. I knew she loved me and I loved her. Mahalia, Mahalia.
Mahalia held my hand.
— ✷ —
XI. REGRET IN DEATH
I can wish it might've been different. But I don't. Death pains those who live, not those who die. And to die is such a funny thing. When I was dying, I never feared, I only felt sadness. True sadness. Not blues or sorrow, but sadness. Beautiful justified sadness. How could I leave my mother behind? My mother who's only care was me? I am the luckiest to ever live, and pain, and die, in sadness, because I know, she is reminded of me everywhere she goes. She yearns to be with me, and yet she knows I never really left her.
I am the flowers, I am the sun, I have been here before, and I will go there again. We are learning, we are one. Love sooner, love as soon as you can, love is all. It pains me to know my mother's pain, but by love, that pain is made beautiful. If you live, or die, let it be for love.
She knows.
— ✷ —
not an easy life for the kid either, in a variety of aspects, hes quite conscious, i think i want to finish sarka hanes final work , before she killed herself 29, basically diary, loved blasted, had dream about woman i was connected with deeply who killed herself before she got to her magnum opus, but others made it happen ultimately.
