The story of December, January, and early Feb, written February 8th in Syracuse New York.

I never sent out my December newsletter.

I felt it was too dark and I couldn’t bear my own voice in it. It’s also quite long, and I didn’t think it fair to send someone something to read that I cannot read myself. I feel like it has some merit, now, so it should be public, for those who might want to read it.

unreleased december newsletter

An excerpt from dec newsletter below..

SIN, SNOW, HERE

You know, I am a sinner, you know, I have failed.

I broke my own promises creating excuses for validation, all the while knowing I am going against that wisdom

in me, my gut, heart, the light, Thy will.

I am you and you are me, but also I am not you, you, not me. You understand the pain, you know the reasons

why, no one can say what will happen, but the stars in retrospect will fully align.

Forgive me dear Lord. I love You. Father Son and Holy Spirit. I am not sure if I am Son in biblical orthodox

sense or am apart of him, but in Faith I sense this. I am a child of Nature and Nature itself, Nature being the

creation of God, my skin crawls and it could be a sudden cry from my inner child or maybe my mother tugging

on my arm away from that door as hard as she can and me lost, devilish illusions.

But I will come back home, I am home, I really never left, only imagined it, I was just thinking about it. I am at

home in my heart, when my mind and heart are in union I am grace, in Heaven. Truly, this mind's desires, all of

our desires clogg and clott that brain body, mind heart, that connection to our root.

We are a tree, bursted into life out of magical spheroid we instinctually and without doubt sprout

upwards, all of us have our first steps, and raise hands Knowing love without knowing anything whatsoever. A

totality of supportive and unknown soil necessarily incomprehensible, we live, we grow!

Then, the day of metamorphosis, the second birth, the birth to knowledge, the caterpillar suddenly

demands itself fly, though still not knowing why, and the sapling pops and the sun shines on it and it recognizes

itself and grows without a glance back.

We are no different than tree, butterfly, bee.

In truth there is no you and me,,..

—

Nothing unchanging ever, Living demanding becoming. We become ourselves and becoming play in forever

experiencing of Now. Experiences in every second by second and the boons of having become to life, these

ever-changing unforeseeable seasons dark storms, sunny days, hugs from man woman and child, and the tree

grows life even in complete wither, carved by e Growth and leaves ever changing shimmer and eventual storm

and season fought experience which apple– birth growth decay death flash in our head suddenly we look around

at everything making everything so and that which has made thyself thus!

In seeing ones self reflections occur and eyes taken from for-granted sun

comparing others growth and gifts to our own we wonder the light after seeing the insane variety of experience

and lack of an essentual gaurantee bring guilt. Guilt is shame and shame hides itself from Everything, anbd so

becomes this nonexistent hell of fear. Complete darkness make it untraceable incapable no comprehension

exists this must be some mistake, one thinks and creates notions of fear, fear then attatches to life and anxiety

depression Existential dread and complete loneless the situation totally absurd it seems impossible any light

here now or a way through this strickening fright one takes complete flight abandoning life's gift we look back

inside stale memory in search for any way out, but this light only an illusion, so one spirals and spirals and

suffering and suffering self harming left beaten and broke down alone weeping over the emptiness everywhere

one reaches the darkest place of all. Eternal love killing all fear I pray thank You, for it's promised eventual

though unknown Reach: as the impossibility of finding light in endless night empty void is necessarily

accepted- here Denial dissipates! and suddenly closing one's eyes in complete surrender, sleeping you dissapear,

and in your absence there is room made for the night to Be and presently darkness dissipating the sun rays the

veil lifted awakes us to some Truth, inexplainable and all explaining, forgiving, endlessly beautiful, Love. in

sight of rise and shine no reason or rhyme but Truth ever mine to the sun instantaneous! with

unnecessary-unexplainable shatters into explaining all one looks at rising sun and sees instantaneous sleep so the night is let be.

love unbound

Fulfilling the heart, trying even when it hurts and feels impossible and cursed. 

That old familiar stick.

The name we use for the place without 

Temptation and crawling anxieties paralyze me finally a familiar spot

Demanding control even if it means creating unnecessary hell

Prolonging my distance from the source chasing curiousity,  obsessing to be great, my shadow holding the key to not living in balance with our spirit nature but living as human spirit nature.

The non duality 

The lovers 

The loved

The chile soup now cold in the fridge i wasnt hungry

Why you may ask? .. well , my own Will accord

Perfect pure girl understands and soothes me 

She leaves me no option but to see it all through

With her i can be more gentle to myself

Myself made soft i can love her more deeply

Waking up next to her and coming to consciousness recognizing who is next to me is uncanny bliss most mornings, this exultation something never felt before for anything in that way

Shadows creep and shapes move diligently within my scope 

My refernece point the blinking lights i check my mirrors constantly,

And not by necessity , rather obsessivity, paranoias, survival instincts. Acting as my flesh how could I act outside that? Surely not to be done but there is the Hindu word sajadenanda— “consciousness -> awareness -> bliss” therefore consciousness of the true nature of things is what completes the harmony

A universe of ins and outs

All is alive, all! Rocks, wind, starfish, sea turtle, humans lofty dream,  sure some more biologically advanced and individualistic than others, but nonetheless all operate according to systems and functions with limitations laws, and maybe even purpose.

amor fati..,

Today,

in Syracuse,

living with Loren,

a dream come true!

No power, hardly any heat, but a house and Loren and Bobe its amazing. 1000 of paint 400 or so of canvases used up in a single day, new record. 

I miss my friends but im really out here.

I had a phone interview with a tech help company last nigt and they said i got the job 25 an hour + commission 4-9pm monday thru friday, they said i got the job would start in 3 weeks, got an email a few hours later saying they are moving on with other candidates?

Hope its a mistake this job would be amazing.

Almost a year since i graduated college. 

It is crazy how loose the mind is. I thought id lost it. I was crying into her chest thinking id lost it.

After getting out of the hospital dad took me up north to home and I spent the week in bed.

Its really crazy to be out of school and not have to do anything, i can do anything i want, theres no big thing i am subscribed to completing, its all by choice, i can will whatever i desire, i want to aim the highest i will aim the highest. Excited to paint much, edit the high school vid and life on film footage, and plan for new big projects, as well as write read and edit manuscripts. want to meditate and do lots of hard exercise. Oh im vegetarian 4 days in right now, so that rocks. most excited live laugh love with loren most of all.

Its so cold here and so much snow, but my feet are healing much better than I thought, im inspired on things, excited to edit. Dissisulionsed by the news and everything global to the point where i think its important i cut off my attention to all that shit, what they want is me to be obsessed.

Yesterday lying under covers while loren was at dance I had a sudden realization and visualization of my singular life and moment within the eternal infinite godhead and while everything is so precise and distinct unique and real, there is the possibility for literally everything i cannot even imagine at all and why would the eternal One not want to live through everything?

Why would i not want to be everything?

I was feeling the mundane of my life, and then I FELT the mundane amidst the unimaginable triumphs ecstasies defeats and tragedys. Crazy.

It makes me feel more free, makes me less stressed, all I must do is be good to others. 

I could be less selfish, that is true, and I am working on it. 

Making sense of the nyc frostbite incident is not the easiest but its happening.

Happy and Hopeful.

Thanks for reading, Ciao <3

pierre verville