Excerise freedom, in a society and cultureu and progressing world with ever limiting freedom. Eating every meal like itll be my last for some reason, and still finding a hard time enjoying it to the capacity that I should in that regard. 

Feeling guilty to myself, to others. The greed took over. When the munchkins are on the table and everyone is hungry just the same, who will be the man who lets all others eat first? Who will be the man who will forgo having a donut without blinking an eye or feeling a tinge of malice against that greedy one who in sly fast moment decides to take more than their share? This is the man I seek, this is the man I grow to be. I don't want to need or want anything outside of myself, as it all comes from within, all that is good. And to paradox this, good only comes from without, from God, but the spirit of your inner Will is what determines these extraneous (things*) Feeling sorry and hopeful and loving and patient and understanding and shocked at the variety. Variety and option a curse no questions. But variety and option the freedom of will. This freedom of will. And does my flesh monkey mind determine that? Does my soul watch over lovingly accepting all, the Christ within, forgiving and understanding every sin, doing what it can to guide, but ultimately letting this small animal me decide. And what a life, and how so ever humbling that is. In the face of God my monkey body brain and identity shatter, the strcture perfectly illuminated showing just how small each thing really is, and just how necessary every act ultimately becomes

The great plan he has in store, the perfection of it all despite the room for imperfection, the paradox of perfection, ive said a billion, ill say again, the paradox of perfection. 

Perfection in grace and grace despite imperfection

Love and solitude ideals far away 

Connection to those close to me something which feels at times so real and so easy and others so absolteuyl fucking phony and doomed. Whos real? Neither. It must just all be taken as real as it is experienced in the present, and totally phony as much as anything else after, no matter how good or bad, and not phony in a sly regard of some cosmic doom, but phony as a dream may mean one thing and another and another and ultimately no one can say which way the scales tip because the true scales no doubt evade the hands of man. 

Brian eno david foster wallace lynch muskrat and the authentic artists all gather round to see the shows.  They see the shows of the friends they admire most in wonder awe and respect inspired and fired up to create whats next on the preciipece of demand. 

connection to others, connection to the poor, relating to the poor, is extremely important, and i strive to maintain focus throughout all my own external realities. 

Amd how to connect to another other than to look them in the eye and ackknowledge their being, their infinite soul, can an eye ignore that which sees it for what it really is? How long can an eye reject being seen the way in which prior seemed only mad speak. 

To be a man of tomorrow is to take action today. To take action today requires sacrifice and pain but makes for a comfy bed. "Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace." - Oscar Wilde and do not!!! Believe everything that sounds nice. 

To live correct is to be fully alive

To be fully alive is to realize your breath and the pulse and the stillness amidst movement, the eternity of the awakening spirit, the blooming flower which dies infiniti ad infinitum, only to bloom again even more deeply, sad and bright, better and dark, meaningfully the blooming truth of life engages in itself more whole heartedly than nothing else we know. Imagine the millions like I, imagine the billions who are us. 

And im just spitting things which pop in like factoids knowing they hold as much truth as a lie. Tao when spoken cannot be tao, and yet, that is it. 

HAH!Pissed alone afraid atop the world landed on Pluto pissing in Jupiter 

Elephentel instruments bang clatter torturing my ears I resist but they cease their clamor 

Bong and bras anthrax shot up bloodied fucked up line of lost soldiers facing their mother losing her brother goodbye a fucking joke

Terrorists to thine own throne behold the one who knows no holds and see the key be free set sail dispute your I’ll matters against court of naught and when they crush crinkle and stample down upon you remember their faces and what they felt like become them and use their hate to fuel your own incendiary and blow blow blow at the most sadist sparks within yourself sappy PITY PORN bloom into more fake fucking cartoon like boon’s of was-once’s and never-more’s cuz Todel and Godel fucked up your stream. 

KILL KILL KILL 

What does it mean to incite in me

he became a man when he made his mother cry

Hows that wishy washy lie laden face smiling when left all alone at the end of time

How many favors y’gonna do for ya’self  before thinking of an other

How far from Holiness will you order yourself to walk, and walk not even true stumbling falling breaking under chalices of doom suffering infinity for a single silver spoon. 

U get what u settle for and nothin more

Choose wisely infinite variety may tempt but u damn well know theres really only one option and dont fuck it up 

Bitching and impulsing and shamefully know-it-ally don’t-pity-me-but-do you chaotic cosmic comedy of doom

And you wonder why I left 

And you wonder why I flee

You wonder whether it was ever meant to be

Writing poetry with your shiny blade of hope in early night sleep interrupted pissing mind 

Drag this body coiled and cut scarred pressed bruised rug burnt face sliding on the black tar eyes wide open concrete silhouettes of evil HOPELESS AND HELPLESS

Moving scattering evading being reminded such could be you slither through suicide loop rumination manifesting more and more and more and more and more til non can stand lest the whole world do drop and LET IT DROP I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE L

SINNER SNOW ITS HERE

You know, I am a sinner, you know, I have failed.

I broke my own promises creating excuses for validation, all the while knowing I am going against that wisdom

in me, my gut, heart, the light, Thy will.

I am you and you are me, but also I am not you, you, not me. You understand the pain, you know the reasons

why, no one can say what will happen, but the stars in retrospect will fully align.

Forgive me dear Lord. I love You. Father Son and Holy Spirit. I am not sure if I am Son in biblical orthodox

sense or am apart of him, but in Faith I sense this. I am a child of Nature and Nature itself, Nature being the

creation of God, my skin crawls and it could be a sudden cry from my inner child or maybe my mother tugging

on my arm away from that door as hard as she can and me lost, devilish illusions.

But I will come back home, I am home, I really never left, only imagined it, I was just thinking about it. I am at

home in my heart, when my mind and heart are in union I am grace, in Heaven. Truly, this mind's desires, all of

our desires clogg and clott that brain body, mind heart, that connection to our root.

We are a tree, bursted into life out of magical spheroid we instinctually and without doubt sprout

upwards, all of us have our first steps, and raise hands Knowing love without knowing anything whatsoever. A

totality of supportive and unknown soil necessarily incomprehensible, we live, we grow!

Then, the day of metamorphosis, the second birth, the birth to knowledge, the caterpillar suddenly

demands itself fly, though still not knowing why, and the sapling pops and the sun shines on it and it recognizes

itself and grows without a glance back. We are no different than tree, butterfly, honey-bee, in truth there is

no you and me,,..

Nothing unchanging ever, Living demanding becoming. We become ourselves and becoming play in forever

experiencing of Now. Experiences in every second by second and the boons of having become to life, these

ever-changing unforeseeable seasons dark storms, sunny days, hugs from man woman and child, and the tree

grows life even in complete wither, carved by e Growth and leaves ever changing shimmer and eventual storm

and season fought experience which apple– birth growth decay death flash in our head suddenly we look around

at everything making everything so and that which has made thyself thus!

In seeing ones self reflections occur and eyes taken from for-granted sun

comparing others growth and gifts to our own we wonder the light after seeing the insane variety of experience

and lack of an essentual gaurantee bring guilt. Guilt is shame and shame hides itself from Everything, anbd so

becomes this nonexistent hell of fear. Complete darkness make it untraceable incapable no comprehension

exists this must be some mistake, one thinks and creates notions of fear, fear then attatches to life and anxiety

depression Existential dread and complete loneless the situation totally absurd it seems impossible any light

here now or a way through this strickening fright one takes complete flight abandoning life's gift we look back

inside stale memory in search for any way out, but this light only an illusion, so one spirals and spirals and

suffering and suffering self harming left beaten and broke down alone weeping over the emptiness everywhere

one reaches the darkest place of all. Eternal love killing all fear I pray thank You, for it's promised eventual

though unknown Reach: as the impossibility of finding light in endless night empty void is necessarily

accepted- here Denial dissipates! and suddenly closing one's eyes in complete surrender, sleeping you dissapear,

and in your absence there is room made for the night to Be and presently darkness dissipating the sun rays the

veil lifted awakes us to some Truth, inexplainable and all explaining, forgiving, endlessly beautiful, Love. in

sight of rise and shine no reason or rhyme but Truth ever mine to the sun instantaneous! with

unnecessarunexplainable shatters into explaining all one looks at rising sun and sees instantaneous sleep lets

the night be

Remove want, remove burden. Enjoy the pleasure of self sacrifice without pleasure being the reason for doing it.

Forget all that has been told you as fact, and listen to your heart no matter the incomprehensible lanes it forecasts in your anxiety imaginations of future, which doesnt exist. Live present and be real. Live here right now right now be all that. Love god. Bow down. Surrender. Fear him. Kiss his feet. Do anything he says. The temptation of the devil strong , his tricks and cunning ingenious beyond all else , able to speak to you unlike The Truth, as he is truly just like me nd you, apart of us too, and most importantly God's creation. 

Find free will in allowing flow of the heart  to happen.

Slavery to self is letting the mind and desire control your action, even if it may same moral and ethical and necessary in moment.

The creation can never see itself through the eyes of the Creator, the Creator is the creation and remains Creating. As Vladim expresses, fleshy ego wants and goals and the pursuit of happiness –Dr David Parrish- is something of a movie script which you fall into constantly unless you remain aware of your true nature. You are in this world but not of it, you are living this life but only now! INCOMPREHENSIBLE GLORY AND GRACE IS THOSE WHO LIVE BY THE WILL OF GOD THE HEART.

THE HEART IS THE 

God has free will, and so do we, but his free will is all encompassing, and free from body material time and space, he constantly creates infinite nuance. 

You dont understand your actions and being now, you are far too deep in it, but you will, you will.

Be easy on yourself, forget silly notions,, these concepts which only fancify the Truth. ( telling myself but im sure this will reach a few hearts )

The Tao, (the absolute principle underlying the universe) that is spoken is not the eternal Tao. 

Ciao <3

~~ if you are curious or confused by my constant referencing to God please note that they are almost always spoken through an allegorical lens. the real God and base of reality cannot be known. Self realization and the life long individuation process is to bring the jesus within each of our hearts to the surface, and take it’s hand and let him lead with complete and utter Faith and nothing else. ~~

heres a good little vid by one of my fav youtubers on it - u have to copy and paste idk - https://www.youtube.com/shorts/W4PiVwzQVyY

also, the God christian’s worship and allah and everythin else is not the supreme base of everything, as that is totally beyond any comprehension sene or understanding whatsoever. however, we can know him through living , through experience, but only then, only then.

space statioon overlook and i can grip and rip like jelly off of myself to cease restraint and get up and i can use my body but it feels almost newborn dangerous to touch slimy and sort of very affiliated with the idea of death 

The moon is an island

In an ocean of washed lands

Galaxies of dust extend over oceans

Deserts dried sun burnt

Dyed red maple dries crisps shivers jumps and flys

New born baby waking up for the 44th time 

The 4th step on a very long journey, knowing very well that 4 could be 80% or .0000000008%, and tking the 5th step forgetting that silly thought and never having had it

Vehicles transporting mass mush all around

Filthy waste doesnt exist in your world 

Nor mine, nor mine, mine where i swim

I swim in gold  bars and diamonds too

These diamond fig trees, they grow so tall

I dont think theyll ever croak down and fall

But if it were hap', privy I am

Because oakling is sprouting, it just has to be!

Yellow wastelands of unimaginable futuristic prehistoric not of this world infrastructure made by nature looming large in front of sun shadow casted far far below. 

He feels a chill on his neck

He is reminded once more, reminded once more

To forget to forget he thinks he thinks, a blessing 

a curse as soon as you blink

Realizing faux embracing that-not's, –

run through Galleleo's starry starry lane

And if you do find

Yourself all alone

With a body of material and a head full of stone

Relax and take rest, delight its estuary, be none

Be one, be none, be one

• FRIENDS

• 3am BKNY DEC 6

The Jet Skis movie. Four years, done and gone. Dream achieved. The love we all share and the knowledge of eachother ourselves and the other is something that can never be taken away, really. It's interesting to think about going to Utah and how perfect that premiere moment was.

I pray for all those around the world suffering things incomprehensible to me. I think they can stay strong and I just hope they can derive some sort of meaning. But at least I can guarantee their ultimate salvation no matter how fucked up shit gets. I just, I have a hard time grappling with the idea of evil. How one can go down that line. What, what is it? What is it? Is it the Mephistopheles? But Faust beats him if I'm not mistaken. Gautra. So I don't know how Satan could win and even if he does it's just fucking temporary. And anything temporary amidst this grand scheme of unknowable faith, love, and the goodness that I hold true in my heart with the knowledge that I could be evil given the same circumstances of any other individual and that evil is just a moral thing which we made so, you know, it's just nature. But I think that um, I think that we can work within the confines of nature to elevate ourselves above that which only exists to cause pain and pain, though important in some regard, is not acceptable when it is inflicted upon an innocent person who gains nothing from it except for, you know, everything happens for a reason. I try to believe that. I do believe it. No butts, no nuts, no coconuts. However, in dark times like these, it's easy to want to just sit down and croak. Or wish you were croaked. Or wish it never was.

One way or the other a reminder of the perfection of things and the necessity and as Kierkegaard has stated it's not rational, it doesn't make sense and that's faith and faith is a knowing faith in my opinion is the only knowing it's the only real knowledge worth attaining at this point I believe everything else is a distraction. This is Kierkegaardian ideas, but it's the aesthetic, it's the chasing of ideal and gaining satisfaction through intellectualism, philosophy, art, etc. And I'm doing this, but I'm also not doing it for the sake of vanity. At least I'm trying to move away from that. I have found just this incessant urge and necessity and beautiful things have come out of it. My small impact inspires me to keep going. I have no dreams or worries about achieving fame or nothing within my waking lifetime here on planet Earth. So that frees me to do as I wish, do as I want without the pressure of appealing to anyone else. Like David Foster Wallace said, "True art is honest art, the authentic. And in this age of seemingly infinite inauthenticity, fabrication of truth, I think that you, everybody who gives it a chance, even the slightest chance of doing anything, which at first may seem crazy, but I think that those crazy things are probably the only things worth doing. And by crazy, I don't mean risky or stupid or dangerous but radical to the rational ‘civilized’ mind but inexplicably comprehensive only through the unspoken feeling of the heart and that's the only thing I've found true and I strayed from God this year and I did so consciously and reached the end and I don't necessarily regret it. I might. I might not, but how could I? It's already happened and shaped me. Gave me a new understanding. A vast new understanding of how people happen to be. I have a lot of respect for all the individuals of this world. I pray that those who seek harm against others for projective or prideful or an evil-esque rejections against the light and blasphemy of the holy spirit can find their way in this lifetime and if not this the next because it's only a matter of time and i'll be there and you'll be there too and we'll celebrate and nobody will be upset because of that understanding that pure, pure understanding at least that's my idealistic faith, hope, and love for God.

Who knows what the future has in store, my friend?

friends hold ya togetha

these 2 r friends - rehobeth beach Delaware w loren

her painting would b featured but a bird shit all over it smh

OK RLY GOTTA GO INTO THE WHOLE PAINTINGS IWTHIN PAINTINGS THING’

Thanks for reaching out maters misss u hope ur well meh shit is fried pulling all nighters unable to feel addy beans at all making insane hour long pastel over pastel instead of passing