Newsletter #3, November 17 2025

Me and my friends were the happiest people in the world.

It was everything

Hiding from others. Shame in freedom. Discipline without form. Action without result. Irrelevency invoked. Addiction assimilated, accepted.  Sin unpunished, the price paid dearly. Free to choose, bound by choice. Awake to the world and lost in this endless dream. When will I wake? When will I take charge? Who's that which casts doubt upon the one who knows? Satan, satan, satan, stay away from me now. I am tired of your games, your ingenious games. I'll give you that, but nothing else, for I know. You have forgotten that through the light and grace of God things are made pure as in birth, and this the greatest joy; a true joy. 

May you wash yourself of burdens imposed by illusory lack, and bathe in endless abundance. The love and care of The One! The heart is the place where he resides, the heart is the one you really are. Forgetting is the key to remembrance. In awe we realize the most beautiful. The sadness is intrinsic, necessary for it's glory. It is such, so let it be. Cast a stone onto your neighbor, and know who you are. For the light and the dark and the glory of God will shine in power and light despite respite and resistance forever. 

Don't feel alone, I'm always here.

Reside in me, and have no fear.

Perfection

THE JETSKIS MOVIE PREMIER.

The most ecstatic 25 mins ever.

Me and all of my best friends rejoicing our creation.

Four years of hard work from each of us.

FOUR YEARS!

Struggles, triumphs, bumps, and shifts, constant.

Street skiing sucks! haha

We hugged and laughed and shouted every second of the video, eternity was the moment.

Everything was forgiven, it was worth everything ever, absolute,

perfection,

complete faith—COMPLETE—complete faith

and times 10, again and again and again. We did it.

Thoughts. Feelings. Struggles. (nov6)

The pain of my self. 

                Being so attached to thoughts, forgetting who I really am, and trying to be this great big love. Having it truly for my ego, the part of me which doesn't fully love itself, my ego not the true me, the complete me, merely an appearance in time. And though I can spell these things out, form brings me to these states, states where I seem to sabotage someone named Pierre. This in many forms: consuming bad food and bad content, being lost in thought and selfish, neglecting my obligations, lost in anxiety— fear, fear, fear. Delusions, incessant ruminations, bygone things— things which my mind perceives as ultimate to my being.

             I am able to step back and watch my thoughts a bit, but I get sucked back in, and I’m just not present. Such is life. In thoughts you aren’t present, unless you are engaged in thinking. For example, talking to Mac cow and emo filmer at Brewer’s gallery with my NZ Utah painting, all these great inspiring people I’ve known for years, and only met like twice, there remains a part of me that holds back, feels off, bad, unworthy, inhumane.

                      “I am are in this world but not of it.”

          The difficulty discerning who’s in the drivers seat. My mind speaks “no one”, my heart speaks God. I hear some people I really fuck with who believe totally in their humanity and free will. All this does feel like free will, doing unnecessary things, like so consciously and so out of control, undefined but ultimately so predictable. Last night I’m pinching myself, unable to get comfortable in my own skin, a suffer-fest, truly. Bouncing from YouTube vid for 3 mins to insta for 2 mins to texts and complete discontent in self and world, nothing here nor there, looking at the sky trying to stretch into myself but finding myself unable to stay in a given space, I listen to music, really doing anything  to forget myself, and I am, and then in a flash I’m back again in thought, in hell, everything so loud, so fucking loud. “It’s so loud I cant hear myself think” , not this , moreso these thoughts so loud I can’t hear the world, God, not even the life blood in my veins, im drained. Inaccessible is everything beyond frozen past and future, and I try embrace and understand! I’m trying to continue the love! I do love myself, I’ve just been having a hard time feeling like im addicted to this spiraling turbulence. I’m doing the right things, and I’ve beat a lot of my addictions, but they seem to never really leave me, and I have to accept that. I will.

         Oh dear Loren, angel. Distance is hard, I miss Eden! I seen her just 6 days ago, and it feels a century; so much has happened. This school and this time is so fantastically painful and necessary. Waning distance. Justifying my self destruction. No sleep, four AM bus to port authority, nostalgia! and uber to school, endless uppies and halloweekend tests unprepared and crammed, which landing on campus 10 mins before class, just making the test, confident as hell, I somehow forgot to answer half the questions, (Captain fink blessed me with a retake), but all that!— and then I’m alone again, I dont know what to do, back here, so stark, sharp yet dull. My freedom and all-powerful Love a faint notion, despite it being less 12 hours since.

            I look at pictures of her but I can’t reach her soul, this hurts, this hurts. The sad truth of memories, pictures. Only the great can capture the essence of a moment, memory and bias shifting. A memory fake, seen through eyes of feeling and thought, reality untrue, distasteful, icky; this illusion convincing itself truth! Powerful and beautiful, yet so awful! How can I be true when all is fake but this moment and this moment so hard to inhabit. I miss her so much. I told her I loved her, after asking my heart a thousand times if I should say it, looking into her deep deep eyes connected and complete, exploding in ever strong moment of absolute experience.

            I have a hard time with the distance, texting and calling just feels so far away. I need to send her a letter but I’m a bit shit. I wont see her for like 18 days. Fuck. Three times more than we’ve been separated since connection, thanking God when I remember the entire year I went without her! Halloween to getting off that Cicero train her, scars and wounds totally washed away. It’s okay. I’m going to lock on school and pass, it’s my job, but god damnit, I miss her! I miss her! I miss her!... I really do.

              Talking about her to Mikey Switzerland and Lorin at theirs in BK editing the movie with Sanch. I’d only seen them turnt up and brief since me and Loren have fallen in love. I try to explain the whole story from SLC halloween to cutting and facetime miracle the lover’s card and finally the Cicero train crashing into her in pouring rain colliding souls. Impossible to fully express, impossible to remember beyond my memory. But Loren! She is so sweet! and she struggles too. I hate to think im accelerating her struggles, though I know these essential in spiritual revolutiuon. I want to inspire here! I am! We lift eachother up like nothing else. We talk about nothing and everything at once. I want to help her see her true nature, I want her to help me see mine! God! She has been down, out of it, we’ve both been a bit disassociated; it’s hard to hold the conflicting  truth of flesh and spirit.

               I have a hard time with the fact that the real total me is infinite and likely God itself in SOME Way; and however the fuck it really is, let me let it be, help me align oh Lord! God bless, and thank you God, thank you. Truly. In the name of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, amen. I love God, I love God so much— how insane is it that we are here! It’s unbelievable! I feel It in me, I feel me as That! This beautiful and totally insane experience of life… it makes no sense to the rational. That which you cannot know nor believe but only Be. I’m in my body which is not my own, my ego seeking to destroy itself despite fighting against it’s dissilution more than anything. I love my ego, and understand, but I’ve been battling. Losing, it feels. I’m not thinking right now, just writing— where is all this coming from!? Idk, and that’s good, I’m present, content in creation, free from burdens, mind open and recieving, this is the magic of creation, writing: thought in form. It shows me who I am: nun, nil, nada, and in this moment, here, everything,.!>!!!!@!

             This school is fantastic in how much of a challenge it is. Pushing myself has always proved destined necessity, Truth and trust, but boy is it something else. My main focus is to pass this navigation class. If I don’t it sets me back a year, that level of setback would make me question it all. (november 18 now editing this, found out yesterday I don’t need it, can retake in spring, huge weight lifted. It seems the only job path for me… it feels like asceticism in a tent in the woods or this merchant marine life. Tent in the woods sounds good, but bro, I cant live like that, I got to contribute, and I cant have a family like that. I’m going to pass, I’m going to make it through. 

           Its the classic ‘oh Pierre, oh Pierre’ thing which does bother me a little, just in how its been a thing throughout my life, but I guess that just emphasizes the necessitation for me to accept all and move forward in spite of all. The feeling, self created or not, that I’m seen as inept and unable hurts, outcasted.  I have habits and tendencies both subconscious and not which lead me into familiar patterns. I have a love for lack of preparation, I like to feel that rush of immediate challenge. It brings me to the present. I mean, these tests, art, skiing, excercize, travel, med use, thoughts, ideas, all of it— its great but I need to focus on balance. Going to the gym for instance, I dont need to be going in and thinking about how my body looks, how I wish things were, no! Let me feel those weights! My effort! Let me be present, push hard; real fun just “throwing that shit around”. And it’s same with skiing, being viewed throws me off, sometimes self aware to a delusional paranoia. I largely got over my childhood tendency of timidity. Acceptance of being alone, being different. Always standing out, Chop point,  Morse, and the destined switch of schools, living with my dad, meeting my first love Adison, somehow ending up at ski school, SMS, obsession with Zootspace, meeting my idols, and the complete realization of my youthful dreams. Looking back, having just premiered the four year movie, it’s all so perfect, everything consistently proving the perfection of heart. And so we keep it pushing, may I follow the light, may Thy Will be done.

          I’ve felt  far away from my connection to the Source. I remember during indoctrination, stripped of physical autonomy, I found the true freedom of mind. I was praying and reciting mantra,  bathed in the golden bliss of God’;s love, and loving him with all my heart, my whole Self, and through it all observing the absurdity, the knife-edge sharpness of the breath of life and pulsing heart. Bright night lights rays blinding I am finally able to see and be, and we march, we march on.  

          Focus on this Love!  That which is not temporary! This necessity! The upholding of my promise! Prerequisite are these for the truth and love, my natural state I can never lose, regardless of realization and forgetfulness.

May I remember.

I pray for the end of war. I pray for the Sudanese. I pray for all the suffering. Even with Faith I weep endlessly for my brother’s and sister’s throughout all space and time.

“Beauty will save the world.”

        6ix or so, Monhegan Island hilltop Sun burning my face as I stare, I feel awe for the first time. This great cosmic wildness mixes with the sun bathing lifting my head, my spirit. An inkling that there is infinitely more than meets mine own eye,,, more than light and darkness, beyond life and death. 

And yet… me and All Is, light and one, the Same.

not knowing suffering

not knowing grace

gracefully

By myself home from school second grade. Everything beyond reach but no matter nothing to reach for, nothing to reach me. Paralyzed absolutely unknowingly, just there; and guilt, a "truth" which seeps into me, and shame. 

Then and there, there I stand, no one, and nothing to save me, to save me from those twisty ways entwined in every wonder the inconceivability of life. 

Light streams through the blinds, I’m lying on the carpet aside Lay Lay, my sweet cat. The pain in her eyes, her knowing, she purrs and loves me so much; I love her more than anything! I cradle her like a baby in my arms. A flicker of the sun, a look from Lay Lay, lying on her belly.

Liberation is fear a simple nightmare. Time isn't, thus worries nullen. Our great flower, the sun, illuminating endlessly, blossoming all the world, The Star. 

Oh so sweet is that feeling of first air of spring, a purity, a promise of growth, the promise of warm skin. Mom must be getting home sometime, I worry something has happened to her, I imagine life without her, I am so grateful for her. I close my eyes. I rest listening to that warm sweet hum through window breeze, an all-encompassing and surrendering warmth vibrates bringing me softly to sing the song beyond, hum cicada your perfect sound… each one, perfect. Effortless action, endless curiosity , light shines once more, sleep.

Slow moments of waking, a curiosity, a remembrance. Feelings, without sense my senses begin to feel, and slowly I am reminded of life, of time.

That which reposes in slumber.

Amazed, aghast, where did I go, what did I do?

Who am I? and deep down, knowing. -Not what happened, but that I am, here. & in Being here, there, this, the whole of it.

Being: that great letter unread and known, stamped in the perfect sublime. The Simple beyond. 

And with a squeeze so tender my mom opens the door, dreams of Mother Mary remind me of her promise, her promise.

I bow my head down at her feet, crying, knowing, knowing, knowing, not knowing a thing.  

WHAT WILL IT FEEL LIKE WHEN YOU LEAVE ME ON THIS EARTH? 

If I knew, what would I do, pity, oh pity, a waste in view of the incomprehensible >infinity of You. of us?

What was can never not be, and what is is simply more, rain falling on the ocean, ascending, falling, and home. 

each milli-illusosecond-slice of moment between moments it is as it Is. the only thing —> Be! Be! Be! Be! Be! Be, & and cause everything!

I rest without you, knowing words—, even in desperate grandiosity grasping for some truth,— are simply that: words. There is peace in the impossibility of expressing the absolute as well as the impossibility of expression without the absolute.

I pray one can know another, naively, when I forget. I look into you dying for you to notice me, when I forget.

I pain, I crush, I suffer, I rejoice, I am Alive! I lose sight of myself. This.. this. 

One can only know themselves through the other. 

One can only know through love. 

Unconditional love annihilates all notions. 

time, space, identity, will

Nill, in the knowledge of You.

And this knowledge lingers, a knowledge which you cannot "know". It is everything, the Whole, it Is. 

Perfect wisdom forever novel creation endless drive and saying YES! to it all, and most importantly, self sacrifice. 

In true love, one could bear Hell on Hell on Hell for Infinity in cruel cosmic humiliation, ridicule banishment and endless shame, in true love, these things are nothing. Love is all. 

True knowledge cannot be known in concepts, only in a moment, in that moment, where all cosmos becomes a perfect child, playing, and playing forever. 

Faith is the only Truth, and Faith requires nothing.

PRIDE THE FALL SUMMER SHAME RUNNING AWAY ACCCEPTANCE WORKING BEING MOVING URGING THINKING TRYING SURVIVING THE SUMMER ACADIA AND LILY AND MT WASHINGTON 5KM JAPANESE TRIAD FIENDS LIFE TO LIFE EXPLOSION BIRTH CLEANED RE-DONE BOOTCAMP SCHOOL SCHOOL SCHOOL SCHOOL LOREN LOREN PAIN LOREN PAIN LOREN OMG ***** LOREN PAIN OMG FRIENDS SCHOOL ***** IM DONE THE DEVIL IM DONE WITH THE DEVIL IM THE EMPRESS FERTILIZING BABY MAGICICIAN GROWN BY FOOL.

I WAS A FOOL.

I AM, WILL, AND ARE BECOME BECOMING.

MAGICIAN 2 OF SWORDS PROTECT ME NIGHT OUT FINALLY!

AND HOW OH HOW DO I GET OUT?

AEON

UNKNOWN.

          Well. Ive turned into the anxiety being. If theres anything to remind me why this is death it’s this. Far from friends, love, god. Im just here alone.. listening to my sleep playlist in the dark. I think ill do some thinking

God bless.